6/21/10
♥ 我快乐吗？
after mun left, exchanged some sms-es and my batt died out.
the sms i receive before the handphone switch off made me wonder alot about things around me including my friends, family and my life. a moment without the world looking at me.
i thought about my life in actual fact when i back into marina square, when i walk in the crowd towards the MRT station, when i stand by the door in the MRT, when i walk home alone...
got a sms from mun. made me feel special when i read it. but it made me wonder. i was usually the listening ear to others. but none was my real listen ear. had some close friends but somehow i can't tell them all of me. just part of me they knew. some said about trust in the past but now when i look at it, it just felt being used instead. some said about depending in the past but now when i look at it, it can't depend on anyone so far. be it really close friend or not. only 1 can made me depend on but not telling her all of my life.
got a sms from my sister. felt betrayed. felt my family are sometime extremely selfish. just because of a health chair that cost $27k, an almost 30 year grudge can be extingish in 1 night. just because of a few meals they provide, they asked others to be their chauffeur. just because of a few meals they provide, they asked to borrow laptops for their personal uses. when other provide meals for their child and asked for help, they give 101 reasons to ask their child not to help. when others stayed over, they are unhappy. when child stayed over at others, they are also unhappy. of what?
i envy those that can have a supper with friends without parents objecting at the age of 20.
i envy those that can have friends staying over without parents objecting at the age of 20.
i'm lonely.
sneaking out of the door in the middle of the night. obviously not wanted to be caught. telling me to be quiet. asking me to keep a secret. treatment was different when i was the one sneaking out of the door in the middle of the night. obviously not wanted to be caught.i was questioned seriously with who and at where. and was told off by the same person, "this late and you are still going out?". i did the same but the authority is different. the tone is different. the attitube is different. felt thumbed down and restricted.
cried a little on the way home. felt inferior in life, felt inferior in the family. i go home to a place where i'm threaten of my "life". tried and wanted to be independant. but now, its impossible. tried to bring glory to the family but ended getting more pressure from the family. bought my laptop for my studies using my own salary. but got threaten to remove internet that would stop me from doing homework if i go against her will. tried paying my own handphone bill but got throw a line with a contract said out good will with a promise of paying the bill. but threaten to stop paying if i go against her will after change the contract under my name. in my 20 years of life, i did not ask for an increase in pocket money. i did not ask to be given more money when i go out. i did not ask to be given more money just for my own personal expenditure. i did not ask to be given more than just a normal happy life.
got slapped with a stress up life that no one understand. got slapped with friends that i don't really know if they are true. got slapped with a family that only look like a happy one on the surface. i tried to happy on the surface but i'm crying more and more inside.
is it wrong to be happy? is it wrong to have a different thoughts? is it wrong to voice my presence? is it wrong to have a say? is it wrong to be indenpendant? is it wrong to be respected? is it wrong to learn how i learn? is it really wrong?
the sms i receive before the handphone switch off made me wonder alot about things around me including my friends, family and my life. a moment without the world looking at me.
i thought about my life in actual fact when i back into marina square, when i walk in the crowd towards the MRT station, when i stand by the door in the MRT, when i walk home alone...
got a sms from mun. made me feel special when i read it. but it made me wonder. i was usually the listening ear to others. but none was my real listen ear. had some close friends but somehow i can't tell them all of me. just part of me they knew. some said about trust in the past but now when i look at it, it just felt being used instead. some said about depending in the past but now when i look at it, it can't depend on anyone so far. be it really close friend or not. only 1 can made me depend on but not telling her all of my life.
got a sms from my sister. felt betrayed. felt my family are sometime extremely selfish. just because of a health chair that cost $27k, an almost 30 year grudge can be extingish in 1 night. just because of a few meals they provide, they asked others to be their chauffeur. just because of a few meals they provide, they asked to borrow laptops for their personal uses. when other provide meals for their child and asked for help, they give 101 reasons to ask their child not to help. when others stayed over, they are unhappy. when child stayed over at others, they are also unhappy. of what?
i envy those that can have a supper with friends without parents objecting at the age of 20.
i envy those that can have friends staying over without parents objecting at the age of 20.
i'm lonely.
sneaking out of the door in the middle of the night. obviously not wanted to be caught. telling me to be quiet. asking me to keep a secret. treatment was different when i was the one sneaking out of the door in the middle of the night. obviously not wanted to be caught.i was questioned seriously with who and at where. and was told off by the same person, "this late and you are still going out?". i did the same but the authority is different. the tone is different. the attitube is different. felt thumbed down and restricted.
cried a little on the way home. felt inferior in life, felt inferior in the family. i go home to a place where i'm threaten of my "life". tried and wanted to be independant. but now, its impossible. tried to bring glory to the family but ended getting more pressure from the family. bought my laptop for my studies using my own salary. but got threaten to remove internet that would stop me from doing homework if i go against her will. tried paying my own handphone bill but got throw a line with a contract said out good will with a promise of paying the bill. but threaten to stop paying if i go against her will after change the contract under my name. in my 20 years of life, i did not ask for an increase in pocket money. i did not ask to be given more money when i go out. i did not ask to be given more money just for my own personal expenditure. i did not ask to be given more than just a normal happy life.
got slapped with a stress up life that no one understand. got slapped with friends that i don't really know if they are true. got slapped with a family that only look like a happy one on the surface. i tried to happy on the surface but i'm crying more and more inside.
is it wrong to be happy? is it wrong to have a different thoughts? is it wrong to voice my presence? is it wrong to have a say? is it wrong to be indenpendant? is it wrong to be respected? is it wrong to learn how i learn? is it really wrong?
11:34 PM
